On Creating In Despite Of...

Note: This piece was written on November 12, 2024

Something I overlooked on writing the manuscript on figuring out your desire is that you have to wade through the emotional ties to what you should have, what you have been conditioned to want but have not gotten.

I know I want to be a creative. I know I want to spend by time on my writing and other projects I have in the works. But yesterday I could not make myself do it and I could not understand why.

I’ve written before about my disappointment with my career path but I forgot that I still value external validation. I want the approval of those who rank higher than me and I want that approval in a quantifiable form. I am currently still employed through an agency rather than as a permanent employee of the company I support every day, and yesterday morning I expressed my desire to be transitioned into an actual company employee. A few hours later I was given a non-answer with the implication that my permanent status would not even be considered until at least the new year, if not several months in.

So I became angry. I felt dismissed. I felt that I am undervalued. My performance has been praised by everyone I work with, and more than one person has expressed how much they enjoy working with me. And yet the people in charge of my employment status do not believe I am a worthwhile investment.

I didn’t realize my anger in the moment. I’m terrible at recognizing, let alone feeling, my own emotions, so it took several hours before I could narrow down why I didn’t want anything to do with work, creative or corporate. I simply could not write; I could not journal on my goals; I could not outline my next project. I was frozen in a state of anger that I could not even put into words.

In the afternoon I took a few minutes of examining my day to figure it out, and once I did I started to let it go. If my current career is not what I truly want, then why am I allowing my emotions surrounding it to dictate my entire day? The answer is twofold: because I want recognition for my work, and because I’m supposed to want a traditional life with a corporate ladder-climbing career. 

Of course I can be disappointed; after all, everything I mentioned is still true, and the powers that be still won’t invest in me as an employee, which makes me want to run for a different job. My impulses are not the best thing for me, though. My anger is not the best thing for me. It’s still a fairly good job. It’s not too hard, I get paid well, I have benefits. So if I’m focusing in on starting my creative chapter, I need to turn away from that disappointment. My focus needs to be on what I actually want. The emotions will still arise, but I cannot let them dictate what I do.

I didn’t write about this process initially because, frankly, I had forgotten it. Don’t get me wrong, there were days when I was writing the book that this exact thing knocked me off course for a day or more, but I still didn’t consider it a major factor. I believed I had all the time in the world to go back to the project and work on it later. Now, I know time is more precious than that, and I need to use that time wisely, so I am more sensitive to the instances where I feel like cannot utilize it the way I want.

Please know that I am not dismissing my emotions, or yours, as unnecessary blocks to getting the things we want. On the contrary, part of my wiring as a creative is to desire approval for my work, and that wiring has simply carried over into my corporate career. Acclaim makes me feel good, and rejection makes me feel bad.

There is something about artists that causes us to inherently desire approval and acclaim; we desire to be known. This may be a fatal flaw for me because of the possibility, and even eventuality, of negative reactions to both the work and even to me as the creator. The artist opens themselves to criticism as much as acclaim; it is the reality of putting a piece of yourself out into the world.

But those emotions, negative or positive, cannot influence the further work or the desire for the larger goal. I may want acclaim from all quarters, but I want the feeling of helping someone figure out their path even more. It’s so much more rewarding than a contract with a company that does not actually care who I am or what I do.

I can be upset that I am not getting what I was told I should seek, but I also need to keep in mind that it is not what I personally want. The emotions shouldn’t be dismissed, but neither should they be given enough time to derail my life. They should be felt and released, allow insight into my interior life, and then make room for my intentionality. They should not be allowed to get in the way of what I really want.